What philosopher should YOU fight


there are a lot of philosophers out there, and they all need to get pummeled. here’s the chances that you’ll come out on top in no particular order.

Who wins: Socrates 
Look, there is a -100% chance that Socrates lands a KO, but that’s because he doesn’t need to. you come in spoiling for a fight and by the end of it you’re seriously debating whether you can truly claim to have ownership of your arms. It makes you want to fight him more and then you just get deeper into the spiral. don’t bother.

Who wins: Plato
Sorry, but his name literally means ‘burly guy.’ you’re not going to win this one.

Who wins: You
Ok actually I don’t know who wins here but Aristotle needs to be beaten up so badly. Please punch him. I’ll help.

Who wins: Diogenes
I get why you want to fight him. I want to fight him. Everyone wants to fight him. don’t do it tho. His entire life is a series of him asking people to fight him and he still lived to one million years old. Don’t do it.

Who wins: Epicurus
Jesus don’t fight Epicurus. dude does NOT care. your punches will be like water off a ducks back.

Who wins: Nobody
I forget the argument I was going to make because I just looked him up and he looks like a weird adult baby.


you’ll win this one but why do you want to fight an adult baby. Avoid.

Who wins: You
sidenote: is there a single picture where Voltaire doesn’t look punchable?


honestly. anyway, look at the guy, he’s like 20 pounds. punch him. 

Who wins: Hume
‘In 1731, he was afflicted with a ravenous appetite and palpitations of the heart. After eating well for a time, he went from being “tall, lean and raw-bon’d” to being “sturdy, robust [and] healthful-like”’ HE GOT ILL AND IT ONLY MADE HIM STRONGER. AVOID.

Who wins: ???
I honestly don’t know but ughhhhhhh he’s so smuuuuuug. Do it. Beat up Hegel.

Who wins: You
Like, the entire Concept of Anxiety. there is no way you could lose this fight. go for it. 

Who wins: You
But you won’t feel good about it. All this scrawny man wants to do is grind up some lenses and maybe watch some spiders making a web if its a wild day. Don’t fight Spinoza.

Who wins: Descartes
Guy was a mercenary. He like, did fencing. Don’t fight Descartes.

Who wins: You
Use his moustache as a pulley and kick him in the chest. When you knock him out whisper ‘human, all too human….’, and laugh.

John Stuart Mill 

Who wins: You
JSM is the proto weird atheist guy who corners you and insists on going on and on about Richard Dawkins. You could take him easy. Fight John Stuart Mill.

Who wins: Schopenhauer 
He believed that the world is fundamentally unsatisfied and in search of satisfaction?? This man is DYING to punch somebody. Don’t do it.

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