avengers as john mulaney quotes


steve rogers: All my money is in a savings account. Tony has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.

tony stark: I was once on the phone with blockbuster video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. That’s like when Steve would be like, “We’d all go play jacks by the soda fountain,” and you’re like, “Nobody knows what you’re talking about , you idiot.”

clint barton: It’s fun to be married. I’ve never been supervised before. I’m supervised! My wife studies what I do, like an anthropologist. She’ll be like: “Sometimes, he will watch a movie on TV even though he already owns that movie on DVD. Pointing this out confuses and upsets him.”

bruce banner: In terms of instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin.

natasha romanoff: I’ll keep my emotions right here, and then one day, I’ll die.

thor: Ah…numbers. The letters of math.

sam wilson: Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.

bucky barnes: Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ‘30s: As long as you weren’t there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.

scott lang: it’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.

peter parker: I have had a very long day. I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress I am under.

t’challa: You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.